Letter

 

I loved you so much. And I waited for you for months and months. I tried to explain your lack of action, I tried to justify your clear moving forward without us. I tried to say to me there was an explanation. As always, I was trying for both of us, and so hard. And even now, it makes me so sad, letting this hope go. Make me really sad realizing how little it all was for you.

You can say that it was me who walked away, who broke up, but you know this is not true. You broke up with us first. You were not there, you were not committed to us, I just gave words to your actions.

How little did I know you? Back then, I thought I knew your heart.

This is a letter that I’ll never send to you. I feel embarrassed of showing how much I still care, and honestly, I’m afraid of what kind of response I would have. But you’re right, you sticked to yourself. It was me who acted as a fool. But I don’t regret. I did what I thought was right, I was honest with myself, with my feelings and my hope. Even when you were slipping through my fingers, trying to hold the memories was everything that I had. It was the only way to keep you with me for a little more. I wasn’t ready to give up then. Waiting for the next day, hoping the next day was the day you would come back.

Can you believe? Even now, I ask myself if I would accept you back. If I would be able to love you again with the same freedom and trust. I fought so hard for you, you will never know how much. I fought hard for me as well, in the worst days of my life, when I was throwing out everything that could make me sink in sadness, trying to save me and my boat, I still saved you inside of me. I took out all the accusations, I avoided hating you, being angry with you. I kept you inside the bottom of my heart and faced everything trying to not harm the memory I had of you.

I forgave you when it looked impossible. And I kept loving when it hurt me. I said no to anxiety thoughts. However, It was not enough, it seems, because there was something missing. You side. Always, your part. And I just don’t have option besides closing this door. You always knew where I was. I have been letting clues everywhere. It was just not what you wanted, I got it. I'm gonna accept it, and I will respect your choices.

So I think it’s goodbye.

 I've been a fool

Hoping you care

Desiring us so badly

Just a fool

Should I?

 Over the last months, my feelings were made of a new substance

I hated and loved you with the same intensity

I wanted you and at the same time I didn't want to 

Over the last months, you were a big question in my mind

And I'd love to say I have an answer now, but I don't

I discovered that's possible to live

even to have joy and feel happy

when you feel that something really important is missing

I don't know who you are anymore

I don't know your thoughts

I don't remember so well many details of us

But I do remember the color of your eyes

And the way you smiled at me

I remember you have a mole on your nape

and I remember the texture of your hands on mine

Honestly, I feel so dumb

Having so much of you in me yet. 

And I feel so sad

Losing so many memories.

Should I hold on that or should I just let go?

As the time goes by, I'm getting used to this emptiness

and fearing what it means.

I fear having hope and fear not having.

I fear missing you so deeply and fear not missing.

I am so afraid of us. Are we something that is never gonna work?

Or are we just a good match that found each other at the wrong time and who made wrong choices?

Would you change anything if you could?

Or Am I the only one thinking about this?

Are you going to be just a memory for my entire life or will we have another opportunity to make it right?

I miss you so much, lindo. So much. 

And I don't even know exactly what I miss.

But I don't wanna be in the same place again. I don't wanna feel as a person not valued anymore.

I don't wanna be so dependent of you. I don't wanna feel so disposable.

Should I tell you all that? Or should I just kept all to myself and swallow together with my feelings?

We were not perfect together, there were so many things to be better

but we were not that bad, you know? We had so many good moments. 

I just don't know if they are enough.

none

 I hate and I love you.

I hate and I love you.

I hate you sou madly that sometimes I forget how I love you.

I hate loving you.

I hate thinking of you.

I hate and I love you.

I hate that you don't love me.

I hate you going away so easily.

I hate you and I love you.

I hate you and I love you.

Confessions

 That's very strange don't have you in my life anymore.

The days go by and I cannot share with you my thoughts, I don't know what are you thinking, how has your life been. Are you alright? 

I ask myself if you feel the same.

If you think of me.

It starts to seem so strange still feel connected with you somehow even though I don't know if I still know you. Two months and it still hurts quite a bit. 

I mean, I cannot force you to love me. And I definitely don't think I have to force someone to be loved. I told you I deserve more, but... I always wanted the more to come from you. Because It was always you who I loved.

I cannot help myself of asking if I am in your thoughts and if you miss me as I miss you. Sometimes I'm just hit with the reality that probably not. You didn't say a word to me, you never told me to stay. You never showed me that I was important to you.

That's strange how it works. Loving and not being loved back. But I did and I still do. And I just hope and pray that you find me inside of you.

disconnected words

 Do you think of me?

Do you regret anything you did?

It's not a movie, you know

our lives. 

I don't have how to know you love if you don't tell me

I don't have how to know if you don't show me

If I cared less it would be so much easier

But I need to stand by myself

And what you were giving to me was not enough

Besides loving you so, or exactly because I loved you that way

It wasn't enough, babe.

You are stuck being a child

You don't want to grow up and be a man

But I'm a woman. I cannot pretend not care

I deserve being loved and I deserved more

I tried to make you give me all that

and it's just wrong

I would never tried that

because if it's not given freely it's not love

But I believed in us so hard

and I don't even know in what believe anymore

All my certain dropped and vanished

It's your turn, if you want to, to believed for both of us

Lost and soft

 Among all the stories they told us

Among all the plan we made for us

What is in front of us now?

What is just in front of us?

I've cried all my tears out

I've danced the whole dance and more

kept spinning by myself

Hoping it's going to start playing again

What's in front of us now?

I dreamt about your eyes

and all your kisses in my face and my head

I can see the smile you had while looking at me when I cooked

I wanted it all, you know? I wanted it all.

But you didn't love me enough. You didn't love me.

It was so comfortable for you, it was so easy

Because I "planted" all my girders and "built" my roots

I drew all the lines to find you

I gave it all and you let me walk away without hesitation

What is in front of us now?

I don't wanna come back to that

besides keep holding onto you so tight

I don't wanna be in thar place again

besides wanting you so badly

I don't even know anymore what to expect

because I'm afraid you and that place are attached as hell

You cannot fight for me or maybe you don't want

doesn't make any difference now. 

It's all the same.

Our 23 kids running are fading away

Our past is vanishing.

Our future was just a mirage, my mirage.

What is in front for us now?

Broken-hearted three times in a row

 Babe,

You broke my heart. Deeply.

And you did it while I was 

living one of the most vulnerable moments of my entire life.

You broke my heart for not loving me back

You broke my heart for not caring.

You broke my heart for being such a selfish,

thinking only and only about you

that you couldn't take a moment

just a moment

just a little second of your self centred life

to look at me and see how deeply I needed you to be my support.

I told you many times

that I was there to be your partner

to be with you

to help you

to support you

to not let you down

But you were not able to do the same to me

Babe, you broke my heart

and I almost broke together with it.

I saw my pieces on the mirror, on the floor, on my inner

I saw the scars and the fragilities

I saw it. 

Babe you broke my heart

almost my soul.

But I'll not let me down.

I'll be here for me. With me.

I'll support me and help me.

I'll go through it.

I'll face my weaknesses and recover my pieces

Rebuild myself, rebuild my hope.

And somehow, stop caring about you,

Stop loving you.

And then, have my heart fresh and new.