I loved you so much. And I waited for you for months and
months. I tried to explain your lack of action, I tried to justify your clear moving
forward without us. I tried to say to me there was an explanation. As always, I
was trying for both of us, and so hard. And even now, it makes me so sad, letting
this hope go. Make me really sad realizing how little it all was for you.
You can say that it was me who walked away, who broke up,
but you know this is not true. You broke up with us first. You were not there,
you were not committed to us, I just gave words to your actions.
How little did I know you? Back then, I thought I knew your
heart.
This is a letter that I’ll never send to you. I feel
embarrassed of showing how much I still care, and honestly, I’m afraid of what
kind of response I would have. But you’re right, you sticked to yourself. It
was me who acted as a fool. But I don’t regret. I did what I thought was right,
I was honest with myself, with my feelings and my hope. Even when you were
slipping through my fingers, trying to hold the memories was everything that I
had. It was the only way to keep you with me for a little more. I wasn’t ready
to give up then. Waiting for the next day, hoping the next day was the day you
would come back.
Can you believe? Even now, I ask myself if I would accept
you back. If I would be able to love you again with the same freedom and trust.
I fought so hard for you, you will never know how much. I fought hard for me as
well, in the worst days of my life, when I was throwing out everything that
could make me sink in sadness, trying to save me and my boat, I still saved you inside of me. I took out all the accusations,
I avoided hating you, being angry with you. I kept you inside the bottom of my
heart and faced everything trying to not harm the memory I had of you.
I forgave you when it looked impossible. And I kept loving
when it hurt me. I said no to anxiety thoughts. However, It was not enough, it seems, because
there was something missing. You side. Always, your part. And I just don’t have
option besides closing this door. You always knew where I was. I have been letting
clues everywhere. It was just not what you wanted, I got it. I'm gonna accept it, and I will respect your choices.
So I think it’s goodbye.
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